A Concerned Observation

There is a difference between judgement and observation. Sometimes an observation can be mistaken as judgement. For example, sometimes you may notice something (theoretically speaking), whether in a person or something else, and you base your interpretation of it from a previous experience. So, in that regard, it is an intuition and more of something necessary for survival, opposed to judging. And that observation is derived from repetitively proving yourself to be right in those previous observations that you have had in your previous experiences. Sometimes you hold your observation as a loose idea until it proves itself to be right. So, it was from a place of caution, rather than pretense or judgement, which then makes it a truth, rather than judgement. Then it comes down to someone or something being disappointed in a truth. Or would it be better to blissfully view everyone and everything as saintish and pure? I don’t know about you, but I can sense intent.

Predictable

Sometimes I see, and do not understand.

Sometimes I understand, and do not see.

Sometimes I see, and understand, but not know what to do.

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If you think you’re a genius, they probably won’t give a shit.

Probably, leaves the door open for chance.

Possibility, is through the door.

Death is certain, whether you go through that door or not.

Thought of As a Fool In His Own Time

The progression of control by the powerful is unsettling. Without cursing myself, I question what truth is. A freely spoken question, whether believed or pondered about out loud, can cause damnation from the masses, as if one is not allowed to release an imperfect thought from their mind, or ever make a perceived mistake. How dare they threaten us with such a question.

Like playing a worthy note amongst a musical conversation. Yet, aside from any possible spiritual entity, there is no perfect judge to judge such thoughts, and an idea can be more powerful than the person it came from. Every era, every generation, every time period throughout history they have killed those who speak out for truth. And those doing the killing are killing in the name of their truth. The ignorant are so confident in their knowing, incapable of knowing more since they are always right, behind their own eyes.

The wise question themselves.. the ones who have been broken but can no longer break. You become invincible by knowing who you truly are.. accepting yourself. And nothing or no one can take that away from you, even in the face of seemingly impossible odds.

Tuesday Bluesday

Where does the line begin, or end, when it comes to someone’s abilities and willpower, or their mental illness? When does their mental illness overlap excuses? Do we play into it?

Overthinking and worrying has been a life-long struggle for me. I don’t know why, but I obsess and dwell on things. Even in being completely aware of myself overthinking in a specific moment, I can be powerless over the situation, yet not know how to solve the problem of over-thinking. So it’s like watching myself.. and, like I said, not know how to stop. But I also question if I play into the idea of overthinking, as being a symptom of having a mental illness. I do not broadcast myself in that light, but I guess a way to liberate myself from some of it is to talk about it. I suppose that is one way to regain a sense of control, maybe?

I can watch myself pace around in this state of mind, and then I may think about how much of my life that I waste by overthinking. In making art, mid-conversation, driving, in the shower, … the symptom does not take prisoners.

I suppose I still try to do anything physically, besides decay in my mind like this. Even if I overthink existence while I’m making art, at least there will be an end result.. such as a masterpiece. If I’m going to uncontrollably think, I might as well attempt to do something else that will give me a positive end result.

I may think of something else to add to this, but this is all I have for now. I suppose this is a good sign in that I am not overthinking.

Lasagna

In the song 6 Foot 7 by Lil Wayne, he uses the lyrics “real G’s move in silence like Lasagna.”. I want to explain a slice about what this means, to justify the depth that some rap music has.

A “real G” is someone who is true to themselves, someone who does not fold to the norm.. basically someone who “keeps it real”.

The “G” is silent in the word lasagna. So to say “real G’s move in silence like lasagna”, is saying that you don’t talk about it, you are about it.. actions speak louder than words.. some people are all talk and no action.
Doing something and saying you’re going to do something are very different things. Basically, if you’re claiming to be real or that you “keep it real”, show us and quit talking about, until you actually do it.

People can see through that. You will have more respect when you have something to show, other than empty words. “About to drop a new album(or video, or whatever)”, doesn’t matter unless you actually have substance. Have substance instead of hype. It’s more real.

This is just one example of how one line from a rap song can have a complex meaning, not to mention how this one line may connect to the previous line, or the following line, or to any other aspect of the song.. or another song, or another album, or someone else’s album.. or anything else in life.

Next up, Mom’s Spaghetti.

Outerspaciuns

The Internet doesn’t seem like a safe place. Not that it ever did.. I guess I realize how unsafe it always has been, more. People are holding others to unrealistic expectations that they themselves can’t even live up to. And everyone’s expectations, and how those expectations may look, is/are different from person to person.. so no two people will ever completely agree on everything.

And that is where acceptance comes in. Accepting each other in-spite of differences. Building upon commonalities opposed to differences. Understanding that differences are one’s uniqueness, not something which should be devalued because it may not completely align with yours.

This feels like an SOS, or a recorded document that I am writing for future open-minded peoples and creatures that may stumble upon it. Whether this language may become extinct, or not. This feels right, which is why all of the other things I was trying to fill myself with, was not fulfilling. I suppose I am meant to write what I am writing, right now, in this moment. That to express my perspective in words is some aspect of my purpose. It is part of my purpose because it is a unique perspective in which I think. Anyone, really, as so much as one who questions why, and questions others, maybe. Do I actually know? Express your uniqueness. I suppose I leave most things open and up for interpretation.

It is excellent to write as if there is mystic importance to what is flowing through my skull.

So any future outerspaciuns out there.. I’m not going to explain what the internet is. Try to find another ancient artifact for that description.

Entry 1

Sometimes I’m quiet and irritated, for no specific reason. When I was young I tried to hide every thing inside. Now that I’m older, I struggle to show it. One day, making a radio signal, might be more important than being able to build a fire.

I wish everyone the best on their interstellar travels. Life is rare, and beautiful. It is worthy of cherishing. There is only one you. What are we going to do with our lives? What is worth living or dying for, or believing in?

To think that there are different galaxies and worlds, and universes out there.. yet you masturbate like a baboon. There are ancient lessons in the stars, and ancient mannerisms of primitive predecessors built into our DNA.

I have been full of fear. And ashamed at who I am.

Everything is Beautiful - Crash, or Bloom.

Whether depths or infinite skies, nothing can separate one from the divine. It turns into a belief that doesn’t need defending. It is an experience, transcending what I have strenuously tried to understand. Yet, letting go and accepting the unknown is where I have found peace.

Once you figure out that you cannot figure it out, then you’ve kind of figured it out.

‘It’ being life-God-existence-love… all that there is here.

There is something to learn from any experience, whether dark or bright. It is all still within who we are. Diamonds are found in the ground, in coal. Life springs from mud and dirt. Appreciation for it all may bloom, after a crash. Whether you crash, or bloom, both will allow a place for growth.

To feel.. anything, is a blessing. All times are for the betterment of one’s self. Sharing experiences may help out those who were once you. Especially when they’re feeling so alone in feeling alone. Happiness may seem like a trap, either way.. it is all beautiful.

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Something I take for granted sometimes is health. In about three weeks I will be visiting St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital In Memphis, TN. I will be participating in some testings I occasionally get to do for cancer survivors. When I was nine I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I rarely talk about this aspect of my life not because of any specific reason, I just don’t think about it much. I’m grateful for the experiences I had at St. Jude’s, it gave me a deeper appreciation for life and it is a miraculous place. Sometimes I can be down about something not going my way, and then I can remember that I’ve survived cancer and I see that I’m not doing too bad after all. Life is big, and beautiful, and so are you. Cherish it. Love it. Accept yourself, because you’re amazing.

Hold On Tight To Your Mind

(From Day Dreaming at Night)

Mental?

Definitely.

I think so much that I’m amazed that I can even tie my own shoes at times. I thought I was never going to be able to drive a car again, or work again. I didn’t ever think I was going to leave the mental hospital. I wanted to die so many times, for some many reasons, that when I thought I did die and the turmoil, and loss of mind, and the unbearable reality I was in… when that set in, I realized I wanted to live.

When I’m talking about mental illness, I’m not talking about it as a fad. I have been diagnosed with several different conditions, or disorders, so I have plenty of credentials needed to speak about mental issues. I don’t really care to talk about it, but mostly I want people to know that they aren’t alone in feeling alone. There are a lot of people who want to use their life’s problems as a way to gain attention in that people will feel sorry for them. Most people don’t know that I’ve hand cancer, am bipolar, or an artist. It’s not an American Idol audition. This book is for understanding. I’m not downplaying anyone’s situation, but for me personally, I use my life’s struggles as motivation. I feel stronger having gone through so many things. I’m living on spare time and hopefully that will inspire someone to carry on.

I escaped a mental hospital once - true story. I was staying in a place called Valley. Over the course of my life I’ve stayed at Valley somewhere between 10-15 times. Even the name Valley made me think of death and hell. There was an outside area where people could go out and smoke or sit in the sun or whatever. It was just a doorway exiting the contained lobby that went outside to a rectangular area surrounded by brick walls. You could only see sky above. There was a gutter going up the wall. At this time in my life I was in really good shape. I use to run and work out every day and this was also one of the first times I was in a mental hospital. That’s relevant because my mental stability affected my health and athleticism. Mental health has a significant impact on a lot of things we take for granted. Anyways, there was a counter/desk area where the nurses were and if they were to catch me they would have to go through two doors to get to me before I climbed up the gutter. The wall was pretty high too. Another issue was that there was usually a nurse in the inside lobby/group room area. I realized though, that during shift change there were only two nurses behind the counter and they were in sitting positions. Long story short I made my break for it at the perfect time and shimmied up the gutter pretty quickly and pulled myself up on the roof. As I was pulling myself on the roof someone grabbed my feet, but luckily they only pulled my shoes off and didn’t get a good hold of me. I lost both of my shoes in the process, but they didn’t catch me. I didn’t have time to look back to see what happened I just ran for my life. I ran across the roof and then jumped off the roof and ran. I kind of had a general idea of where I was and which direction I was going. It was all woods for a little bit and eventually I hit a neighborhood. At one point, early in the escape, I happened to come across a pair of shoes on a trail, just lying there. I thought it was a sign from God or something so I put them on and kept going. Thank God for real though because I was stepping on all kinds of petruding objects. I felt like a fugitive. I also thought that everyone could see through my eyesight in their minds, as if they were watching on a TV or something, but I kept going anyways. I ran to my Grandfathers business office. Eventually my whole family showed up and they just took me back. It was all really pointless, but made for a good story. I don’t think anyone else has ever escaped Valley. At least that’s what I was told.

If you have ever been involved with me when I wasn’t stable, I apologize. When it comes to people who are mentally ill, or someone who is having a breakdown, always proceed with caution. You have no idea what kind of world of shit they might be experiencing. An unstable person could be extremely sensitive, even their perception of noise, like a clap or someone’s delivery when they speak. Approach them in a sensitive way with compassion. They might not be well.

Rough Draft

The title Rough Draft is about how we all have opportunity to change, we’re always in a place for potential editing. I’m not sure if there is a final destination, or a place of arrival, when it comes to being who we really are. No matter what happens, one cool thing about being human is having the ability to change whenever we decide to. No one can really tell you who you are though, that is for you to explore and discover. In the process of creating yourself, don’t be too hard on yourself or let the judgement of other discourage you, because, after all, we’re just a Rough Draft.

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Thoughts From a Recent Post

Any description outside of, ‘a reflective spectrum of emotions provoked by imagination’, or ‘a translation of my personal human experience’, would be overthinking.

It’s all within the moment of making. There’s also memories and how things were in the moments of those memories.

It’s a continual story of past, present, and anything unknown.

So it’s all things described with every mark. Within, outside, through, and around those marks, too.

An Elusive Truth

Do you ever lay awake at night staring at the ceiling, or nothingness, while thinking about everything and then some? And then wake up the next day and run laps around the thoughts you had from the previous night?

I usually keep it all in because, ya know.. what can I say that hasn’t already been said before? But if I do open up, it will probably be more than you were expecting.

And it seems like I’m a person who is understood with time. At least that is what I’ve gathered from others. Don’t get me confused with my imagination. That thought was just a branch of something invisible. So don’t hold it against me.

This is why art saves my life.