Tuesday Bluesday

Where does the line begin, or end, when it comes to someone’s abilities and willpower, or their mental illness? When does their mental illness overlap excuses? Do we play into it?

Overthinking and worrying has been a life-long struggle for me. I don’t know why, but I obsess and dwell on things. Even in being completely aware of myself overthinking in a specific moment, I can be powerless over the situation, yet not know how to solve the problem of over-thinking. So it’s like watching myself.. and, like I said, not know how to stop. But I also question if I play into the idea of overthinking, as being a symptom of having a mental illness. I do not broadcast myself in that light, but I guess a way to liberate myself from some of it is to talk about it. I suppose that is one way to regain a sense of control, maybe?

I can watch myself pace around in this state of mind, and then I may think about how much of my life that I waste by overthinking. In making art, mid-conversation, driving, in the shower, … the symptom does not take prisoners.

I suppose I still try to do anything physically, besides decay in my mind like this. Even if I overthink existence while I’m making art, at least there will be an end result.. such as a masterpiece. If I’m going to uncontrollably think, I might as well attempt to do something else that will give me a positive end result.

I may think of something else to add to this, but this is all I have for now. I suppose this is a good sign in that I am not overthinking.

Hold On Tight To Your Mind

(From Day Dreaming at Night)

Mental?

Definitely.

I think so much that I’m amazed that I can even tie my own shoes at times. I thought I was never going to be able to drive a car again, or work again. I didn’t ever think I was going to leave the mental hospital. I wanted to die so many times, for some many reasons, that when I thought I did die and the turmoil, and loss of mind, and the unbearable reality I was in… when that set in, I realized I wanted to live.

When I’m talking about mental illness, I’m not talking about it as a fad. I have been diagnosed with several different conditions, or disorders, so I have plenty of credentials needed to speak about mental issues. I don’t really care to talk about it, but mostly I want people to know that they aren’t alone in feeling alone. There are a lot of people who want to use their life’s problems as a way to gain attention in that people will feel sorry for them. Most people don’t know that I’ve hand cancer, am bipolar, or an artist. It’s not an American Idol audition. This book is for understanding. I’m not downplaying anyone’s situation, but for me personally, I use my life’s struggles as motivation. I feel stronger having gone through so many things. I’m living on spare time and hopefully that will inspire someone to carry on.

I escaped a mental hospital once - true story. I was staying in a place called Valley. Over the course of my life I’ve stayed at Valley somewhere between 10-15 times. Even the name Valley made me think of death and hell. There was an outside area where people could go out and smoke or sit in the sun or whatever. It was just a doorway exiting the contained lobby that went outside to a rectangular area surrounded by brick walls. You could only see sky above. There was a gutter going up the wall. At this time in my life I was in really good shape. I use to run and work out every day and this was also one of the first times I was in a mental hospital. That’s relevant because my mental stability affected my health and athleticism. Mental health has a significant impact on a lot of things we take for granted. Anyways, there was a counter/desk area where the nurses were and if they were to catch me they would have to go through two doors to get to me before I climbed up the gutter. The wall was pretty high too. Another issue was that there was usually a nurse in the inside lobby/group room area. I realized though, that during shift change there were only two nurses behind the counter and they were in sitting positions. Long story short I made my break for it at the perfect time and shimmied up the gutter pretty quickly and pulled myself up on the roof. As I was pulling myself on the roof someone grabbed my feet, but luckily they only pulled my shoes off and didn’t get a good hold of me. I lost both of my shoes in the process, but they didn’t catch me. I didn’t have time to look back to see what happened I just ran for my life. I ran across the roof and then jumped off the roof and ran. I kind of had a general idea of where I was and which direction I was going. It was all woods for a little bit and eventually I hit a neighborhood. At one point, early in the escape, I happened to come across a pair of shoes on a trail, just lying there. I thought it was a sign from God or something so I put them on and kept going. Thank God for real though because I was stepping on all kinds of petruding objects. I felt like a fugitive. I also thought that everyone could see through my eyesight in their minds, as if they were watching on a TV or something, but I kept going anyways. I ran to my Grandfathers business office. Eventually my whole family showed up and they just took me back. It was all really pointless, but made for a good story. I don’t think anyone else has ever escaped Valley. At least that’s what I was told.

If you have ever been involved with me when I wasn’t stable, I apologize. When it comes to people who are mentally ill, or someone who is having a breakdown, always proceed with caution. You have no idea what kind of world of shit they might be experiencing. An unstable person could be extremely sensitive, even their perception of noise, like a clap or someone’s delivery when they speak. Approach them in a sensitive way with compassion. They might not be well.